But my feelings told me to

...yes, and how do you feel about that?


Feelings, we are all very familiar with them, and experience different ones everyday. Doing life here, I find myself feeling joyful, peacful, frustrated, exasperated, amazed, prideful, thankful, encouraged, strengthened, disappointed, offended, passionate....the list carries on, up and down along the hills and through the valleys of my emotion.


Recently, I have been enjoying the feeling of acting upon my feelings. Listening carefully to them, and living my life by them. I have been making decisions based on how I feel about something, and to be honest, there have been a few near disasters because of this. 


I thank God that He created us to feel emotion. Good grief, it would pretty awful if we couldn't express ourselves, or didn't even have feelings to express - ugh. I love the intense happiness I feel when I return home after a long time and see my family, I will never forget coming through arrivals after my return from Rwanda last year. I love the feeling of contentness (yes I know that's not a word) and satisfaction after a big Christmas dinner with honey roasted parsnips and yorkshire puds (drool). I love the feeling of pure awe when you see a brand new baby, hours old, with perfect little fingers and nails, and a little button nose. I also am glad to be able to feel passionate about things that matter in life. I am glad to be able to feel something when I hear about terrible and horrific injustices around the world. Yes, feelings are great, thank You for that. 


But, how do I listen to God, before my feelings? How do I seek His will first, before my own? It's proving to be a bit more difficult that I first hoped and I have been most discouraged when I don't seem to learn my lesson right first time, and get caught up in the same problem soon after. I think I should be honest with you here in this blog, so I will tell you a quick story about when I acted on my feelings recently and nearly got myself into a bit of a mess....


We all know I like a good moan, and can get very carried away with my feelings once I've started. Note to self: Start remembering this as you begin your big rants. Things can be challenging here. And it's good, gosh it is good to be challenged and grown, and it would be pretty boring if I wasn't changing through this experience. Anyway, yesterday I was skyping with my mum lamenting my struggles here blah blah blah (poor Mum) and very suddenly I decided "I don't have to deal with this (pride), I'm not gaining anything here (greed) I can come home now if I want (power), I'm going to tell them I'm leaving at the end of the month (arrogance). Not a nice list of feelings that were swirling into my line of thought. I actually feel pretty shameful about this now. So I went and announced, that I was leaving, that I felt this and this and this and this.....


Later on, I went out for dinner, feeling pretty pleased to begin with but slowly feeling regret and conviction that I had done wrong that afternoon creeping in. What was I thinking? Had I asked God anything about this or just completely overlooked him? Obviously I avoided that question and went on to order some lemon sorbet. The end of the night came, and we had got chatting to a table of americans next to us. They took my number and said they'd call (I hope they do!), and as we left I though "Oh no! I've just decided I'm leaving, and now I've made some friends...hmph" I also got an invite to a party from a scouser who works with something to do with the president. I also was rather deflated to find out the party was in October. I would be home by then, happily comfortable and no doubt having the time of my life away from Kigali......right?


I got back to base, chatted for a while with a couple of the students which was nice and went to bed. Despite it being midnight I was wide awake thinking about Jonah of all people. Oh God no, anyone but Jonah. Not the man who ran away from His calling and got swallowed by a big fish. Of all stories in the bible, You give me Jonah. I am not Jonah. I am not trying to run away, this is just the right thing to do, my feelings have told me so, you see. 
After a good wee while, I fell asleep, woke up in the morning and I'm sure you can imagine what my first thought was.....after a confirming email from Mum, all about....Jonah, I had to go and speak to Personnel again. I'm not leaving, I'm sorry, I acted on my feelings. God has spoken His plan and promises to me. He is meeting all of my needs and I don't want to go home in two weeks. Sorry again. Then I went to speak to God: I'm sorry. I am a weak human who thinks she knows best. You know best, Heavenly Father. I want to walk as a daughter who knows her Dad. Forgive me. Thank you. 


So that's that all sorted, and now I am feeling happiness, peace and comfort that I am in the right place. 


Thank You for that.....

Lets hope I don't need to do this lesson again anytime soon.