It's a new day here in Kigali, we are having (yet another) holiday here in the country. There are SO many holidays here....ridiculous. I wonder how many weeks children actually spend in school in a whole year. However I'm not complaining about a day off...
The sun is shining this morning, after being absent for the last few days. The rains are here now, so there is much cloud in the sky and makes things a big muggy and stuffy during the day. Much nicer when the sun shows itself and I can spend a few minutes topping up the tan.
However, this morning, when I went for a chat with a lady on the staff, I looked out over the city and could only feel home in my heart. The last few days have actually been really difficult and home and friends have been on my mind almost constantly. I just feel quite disconnected with this continent recently, and questioning God on why I am even here sometimes. I had what you could probably call my official breakdown of the trip on Saturday night, wallowing in self pity, the hardships of my life and why everything feels like an immense struggle recently. After plenty of exasperated screams and sobs (which sounded ridiculous, even to my own ears) into my pillow I prayed. Why do I always do things back to front? I'm sure I could have avoided all of that palaver if I spoke to God from the beginning. Which I'm meant to do, but I always seem to favour dramatics first.
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
Psalm 55:22
Yes Lord, I've heard this verse plenty times before, I thought to myself after I'd prayed. It's a nice verse, reassuring, comforting and holds promises. So why do I hesitate to let it play out in my life?! I have plenty of cares I would quite happily live without at the moment and would love someone to come and take them off my hands. But I realise, they don't get taken off my hands, they are given from my hands. It's me who makes the choice on who is going to call the shots in my life, and me who gives up my burdens to someone else. I always try and do it by my own strength, dismissing Him, but then fall flat on my face some time later, feeling pretty stupid. So today, and probably for the rest of my life, I am figuring out how to surrender my cares to the One who cares for me. I am figuring out how I can strengthen my own (faint) faith to truly believe that I will be forever sustained by the Lord. Can he really meet every need I have? Can he really be my best friend? Give better comfort than my beloved Mum? Can he give me relationship advice better than my girlfriends? Can he give me more joy than the gorgeous children I get to share my life with? Can he sweep me off my feet the way I hope my future husband will? In my head I say, yes. In my heart, I say....maybe. But the thing is, I need to let Him be those things. And that is what I am struggling with today. Pray with me, that we would allow God to be our everything. It is our choice to give Him control of our lives. I've seen it to be an amazing thing and dream of bring able to do that one day. He knows best, He brings out the best in me, and I want to be able to be all I can be for Him, because He cares for me.
As for questioning God on if this was really where I was meant to be. I knew the answer, even as I asked. This, undoubtedly is where I'm meant to be. He is using this place to work on me. And I need to stop resisting the challenges, but instead embrace them. Ok, here we go....
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