Bittersweet

Hello Everyone!

I thought it was about time for a wee update on my girl Gikotori. I know a lot of you have been asking about my time with her and what plans are now, so here’s your update!

We had organised for her to be here in Kigali last Tuesday night. Her mum would drop her off and pick her up a couple days later. Due to problems on the border Tuesday became Friday, and a couple of nights became a few,

It was SO amazing to see her again! After so many dreams about ever seeing her again, the time was a real gift from God. It was a surprise when she arrived too. Straight after a bit of an emotionally charged staff meeting, I was feeling a bit on edge, then she just walked into the door with Celestin. So many happy tears and smiles. For those who don’t know, I met her when I was on my DTS outreach 2 years ago in Bukora. She is now a beautiful, amazing five year old girl. She moved to Tanzania with her family last October.  We had a great weekend, going into town for some milk at Bourbon coffee, a trip to the market for a new outfit and lots of snuggles looking at pictures and watching movies (which she actually just chatted the whole way through).

She was a wee bit ill the second day. As she only drinks milk in TZ, they do no cooking. And even plain food like bread and rice was upsetting her wee tummy. So we chilled out that day in bed with lots of water and cuddles. This was when we pushed back her pick up time, as she needed the rest. The day she left was sad and happy. Sad because I had loved looking after her and spoiling her a wee bit, but happy as it had been organised that she would stay with her aunt here in Kigali for some time and then go to school.

The next day, Gikotori was back and very sick. It was an awkward situation, where there was no time to think and a bit confusing. Her aunt told us she could not look after her. She had just come from the doctor who had found malaria and Giko was being sick when she arrived. The aunt told us she had no time to get her better but had the medicine from the pharmacy. Of course, I took her, and put her into bed with medicine and water, she fell asleep straight away. Then we had a right hoo ha with the base leadership as I had not consulted anyone before I took her from the aunt. This was the beginning of a difficult situation where I felt completely out of my depth. I now had an ill child in my bed, with no one wanting to care for her, and voices in my ears telling me to give her back to an aunt because “we have a policy” on children. It was really challenging, and even now I feel hurt about the way she was spoken about. As a problem, and not a little girl.

That night, we found the aunt who she was meant to stay with. At first I was apprehensive for her to go anywhere with people she hadn’t met. And I was worried that the situation waiting for her at her aunts would not be good for her. Celestin visited the family who are friendly, godly, and have much more money than many people I know. They had not understood that they would be looking after G, and so were hesitant to take her. But it was agreed she should go to them the next morning when she was feeling better. We took her. She was sad and crying but what else can you do? They are her family and could look after her, for now anyway. They asked a lot of me, money wise, which I cannot give, and things were kind of left in the balance.

I visited her yesterday, after 3 days being away in Bukora again. She was happy and well and back to her usual chatty self. As far as the situation goes, I don’t know where it is going. From what I can gather, it is either boarding school or back to Tanzania. I really don’t want either for her.

Life in TZ was harder and tougher than I had imagined. When they said they were moving, I thought it would be a benefit for the family. Unfortunately it has not bode so well for the five kids. The parents are gone all day. Five kids alone all day, no school fees so no education. Living in the forest in the bush, not near any other houses or community. No cooking, only milk to drink. Sleeping in the dust with no mattress or mosquito net. Wild animals around. Her brother, Steven was bitten by a wild dog during the night last week. The situation from my point of view is awful. But I know there are thousands and thousands of children living that way in Africa and all over the world. Knowing one personally seems to make it hit home a whole lot harder. And then for her to go to boarding school breaks my heart. At five years old without a family environment, and in a boarding school, where I know can be dangerous.

Now I am in a helpless position. I could give her love but not a family. Or she can be with a family, without the love that she deserves. I understand, she is not my daughter. I understand people think that I have money to pay for the world if necessary. And I understand it is not my responsibility to look after her now. People I have spoken to back home have a lot to say, but with all due respect, everything is ten times more intense, frustrating, confusing and completely crazy here where it is happening. My head spins when I think about it. I feel like crying whenever I visit her as her future is so uncertain. I really love her so much, and although we don’t speak the same language, I am blessed by God for such a person in my life. It is hard for me to talk so much about her when I am at home, as I feel it is hard for anyone else to understand, which I guess can be a bit selfish or prideful of me, and I am just a bit protective about my memories and love for her.

Please, if you know Jesus or not, pray for her. Pray for the children in Africa in helpless situations. And pray for me.

Sorry if this blog sounds really down, or sad. The time I have with her is sweet but the time when I am left with my thoughts is painful.

“I wish you could put your English in me, and I would put my Kinyarwanda in you.”

Gikotori Jessica